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ROSEBUD'S FAVORITE JOKES...




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A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.

"No," he replied. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.

"That's not my dog," he answered.

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The Neighbor's Dog's New Year's Resolutions:

- Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

- Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

- To no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

- Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a judged competition in major dog shows.

- Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

- Learn how to open pantry door. Decide for MYSELF how much food is too much.

. - To NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND!
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Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
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A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.

"No," he replied. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.

"That's not my dog," he answered.
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Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. I know for a fact...
it is not necessary to sleep stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, in an attempt to
get inside. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine
attendance is neither required nor appreciated.

The proper order for kissing is:
Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.

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If I Didn't Have a Dog...

- I could walk around the yard barefoot safely.

- My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

- All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be
free of hair.

- When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without
wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

- I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted,
without taking into consideration how much space
several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

- I would have money and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

- I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians,
as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

- The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out,
sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

- I would not talk 'baby talk'. 'Eat your din din'.
'Yummy yummy for the tummy'..

- My pockets would not contain things like poop bags,
treats and an extra leash.

- I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L,
F-R-I-S-B-E- E, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, B-I-K-E, G-O,
R-I-D-E.

How EMPTY my life would be!!!
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Walkin' in A Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.
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Comment from Rosebud about the following:
"Of course I'm much cuter than they are!"

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Why Some Dogs Bite Their Owners...

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Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it
and walk away.
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Size matters???

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Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.

"How do you get your Pauly up so early on school mornings?"
asks one of them.

"Oh, that's easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his
bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog."
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At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test
for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act
hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person,
whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out
this theory on my two dogs.

I stood up, clutched my throat, let out a scream and collapsed on
the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced
to the coffee table for my pizza.
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A Midwestern farm wife called the phone company to complained that her
phone often failed to ring when friends called her. On the rare occasions
it did ring, the dog always moaned just before it rang.

The repairman was dispatched, and upon arrival climbed the pole.
He connected his test set and dialed the woman's number. Initially,
it did not ring. After a few seconds, the dog moaned and the phone rang!

When the repairman climbed down from the pole he discovered:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone ground wire with a steel chain
and steel collar.
2. The ground wire was loose and not connected to the ground rod.
3. Therefore, the dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current
when the number was called.
4. After a few jolts, the dog would moan and urinate.
5. The resulting wet ground completed the circuit and the phone rang.

The repairman noted in his report that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
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Menu of the Road Kill Cafe

You Kill It--We Grill It

We're pleased you could join us, and we're always especially appreciative of
your contributions to our menu, either on your way here, or on your way
home. Eating food is more fun, when you know it was hit on the run.

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APPETIZERS: $ 2.95 Taste twice as great when they land on your plate!
The Chicken That Didn't Quite Cross the Road
Froggie Frisbee Frittata
Sunny Side Weasels ( An early sneak preview!)

ENTREES : $6.95 They've Gotta Be Tried While They're Still In Their Hide!
Center Line Bovine
Chunk Of Skunk
Outta Luck Duck Served with Quackers of course
Swirl Of Squirrel
Beep Beep Sheep
Narrow Sparrow
Rigor Mortis Tortise Soft Shell, of course!
Cow Le Pow For those who wonder, where's the Beef?
Lamb Bam Wham
Pheasant under Car ...Oiled to perfection!

LATE NIGHT DELIGHTS: $10.95 Served fresh each night after dark.
Rack Of Racoon
Smear Of Deer
Awesome Possum
Dillo Delight

CANINE CUISINE: $8.95 You'll eat like a hog...when you taste our dog!
Slab Of Lab
Poodles 'N Noodles
Snippet Of Whippet
German Shepherd Pie
Round Of Hound
Pomeranian Remainions
Great Dane on a Lane
Cutts of Mutts

ALLERGIC TO DOG? Try our Cat!
Ka Pow Meow
Splat Cat

DESSERTS: $2.50
Chocolate Moose
Road Toad a la Mode
Jello Worms
Angel Dove Cake A Heavenly delight!
Gopher Puffs FUR-fectly delicious!

Remember our Motto: "When You Drive With Your Brights... You'll Dine Better
Tonight... "






HOW TO BATHE THE CAT...

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift the lid.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash and rinse.")

5. Have someone open the front door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean as well!

Sincerely, The Dog





ALL ABOUT DOGS

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.
-Dave Barry

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P.. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' --Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
--Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
--Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.
--Unknown





A DOG NAMED MACE

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"





IF DOGS BOUGHT BUMPER STICKERS

* Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!

* If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out The Window!

* Caution - I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!

* My Mutt Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.

* CATS is a 4-Letter Word!

* I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!



HOW THE OLYMPICS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF RUN BY DOGS

~ Olympic torch replaced by flaming tabby cat.

~ Mailman added to 100K race so runners have something to chase.

~ Toilet water replaces Cokeas official beverage.

~ French poodles admit to being "pressured."

~ Parade of Nations replaced by butt-sniff conga line.

~ Chihuahua Club of America boycotts games because high jump is "very, very biased against our breed."

~ Javelin toss eliminated as spectators tend to "fetch."

~ Gold medal Olympians featured on Alpocans.

~ Labrador Retrievers banned from swimming event as webbed toes give them an unfair advantage.

~ Russian Booze Hounds complain gold medal hockey game rigged.

~ Several winners rushed to the vet after swallowing their medals.

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2002





HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
(shared by Teri Dittrich)

Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie - Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund - You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler - Make me.

Lab - Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

German Shepherd - I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Maltese - Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier - I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle - I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel - Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman - While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer - Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...

Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb

Irish Wolfhound - Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...

Pointer - I see it, there it is. There it is, right there....

Greyhound - It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd - First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog - Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Hound Dog - ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz...z...z...z....z....z....z...

CAT - Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?



(shared January 2003 by Hershel)
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yeah," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered pretty young that I had this talent and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a whole bunch of medals. Got a little girlfriend, she had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner replies, "Ten dollars."

"This dog is amazing," says the man. "Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replied, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."





Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog And said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.



A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?" A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"

The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!"

The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua.





DOGGY DICTIONARY

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: What you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.





FAMOUS DOG QUOTES

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown



My prayer for today. . .

"Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."





In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!



Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"



Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog

-- Doggy door on oval office

-- Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

-- Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

-- Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

-- Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

-- One word: sausage-gate



The FDA approved an antidepressant for dogs. Finally, a product tested on humans before being approved for animals!



A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."




If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you are probably the family dog!






A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas
by Elise Lewis, 1997

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights ...

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents ...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot all about the other eleven days.


Christmas Dog
by Shel Silverstein

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve..
The children are sleeping' all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guarding' the stockin's and tree..

What's 'that' now--footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard...
And a big sack for robbin' the house?

I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree.



A Dog's Christmas Promises

Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the surprises by opening all their presents.

I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights out into the backyard through the doggy door.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat -- paper and all).

I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of the stocking!

I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree and piddling on the dining room rug.

I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the tree down while trying to get at a cat through the conservatory window.

I will not pee on Grandma's Christmas presents that are under her tree as soon as we enter her house.

The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog dish. I will not drink from it. It will make me sick.


Wrapping Presents with Dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape and tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present and hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it and put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies and tell dogs what good helpers they are.


The Night Before Christmas, Dog Version
by Bill McClellan

It was about time for Christmas, and all through the house
A creature was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse
I knew right away it was my wife's little pup,
She thought we were sleeping, and so she was up

The dog was a gift it was coercion, really,
A woman can pout, 'til a man gets downright silly.
And now the wife was snoozing she was really sacked out
She wouldn't have awoke from less than a shout.

Yes, her in her nightgown, I in my BVDs,
We had finally settled down to catch some Zs
When off in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I rolled from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away down the hall, my head in a muddle,
I reached the kitchen...and stepped in a puddle.
The glow from a nightlight illuminated the room,
So how come I stumbled over the broom?

I fell in a sprawl, my legs were not stable.
On the way down, my nose hit the table.
My head was a spinnin' and when I came to rest
Four miniature dog feet stood on my chest.

With a lick and a bark, she bounded away,
Into the living room, she ran to play.
More rapid than mouses, that rat terrier ran,
Me on the follow, rolled newspaper in hand.

"Stop, Skeeter! Stop, Dog! Stop, Pup!
Halt, Pooch! Halt, Girl! Oh, come'ere, you mutt!
"Get off the new couch! Now let go of that curtain!
Ohhh...If I ever catch you, you're gonna' be hurtin'"

As winds of a Texas tornado do fly,
She spun round the room, down low and up high.
Then up on the countertop, that puppy went
She stopped for a second. I thought she was spent.

I make a quick lunge, she ducked me and then
Yawned when I dove through the flour bin.
As I drew out my head and was turning around,
She made for the presents, in a single bound.

I was covered with flour, from my head to my toes,
My robe in tatters, and blood on my nose.
A bag full of toys, she grabbed with glee
I nabbed her, I thought, but instead got the tree.

The ornaments, they broke, as they began to fall
The lights, how they fizzled, and that is not all.
When I reached for the plug, to turn the bulbs out,
What flowed through my body, but electricity, so stout!

As smoke encircled my head like a wreath,
That dog held my big toe, tight in her teeth.
"Skeeter," I moaned, "I give up. Oh, Skeet, I give in."
So she bit my swollen nose, and nipped at my chin.

She spoke not a word, but went back to work,
Down came the stockings it took just a jerk.
Then up from the hall, came the sound of feet,
Momma, it seemed was awake from her sleep.

"Now you'll get it pup," I announced with glee.
Then Skeeter walked over and put her little head on my knee.
She looked up at my wife - so innocent - and at me, so, so sad.
And it didn't take long, to know I'd been had.

Then came the wife's voice, so strong and so clear,
"Bill, you leave that puppy alone! You hear!"
And I exclaimed to myself, as they walked out with a strut,
"Don't leave any gifts, Santa just PICK UP THE MUTT!"


Top Changes at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy

-- To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.

-- At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears "Bad boy."

-- Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.

-- Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

-- Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

-- Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.



Top reasons dogs don't use computers...

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows `95.

- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway that they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

- Oh, but they WILL... with introduction of Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

- 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

- TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
* 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.



Dogs vs. Computers . . .

Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

After destruction of personal property
Dog: dog not found
Computer: file not found

Favorite trick
Dog: roll over
Computer: play dead

Consequence of virus
Dog: replace valuable carpeting
Computer: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
Dog: leash law
Computer: Communications Decency Act

Method of marking territory
Dog: lifting leg
Computer: "Designed for Windows 95"

Unique behavior
Dog: lick and drag
Computer: click-and-drag



Q: What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
A: Take him out for a drag.



Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.



Useless canine facts...

- You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

- Millie the (former) White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.



Why Dogs are Better than Women

Dogs don't cry.

-- Dogs love it when your friends come over.

-- Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

-- Dogs think you sing great.

-- A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.

-- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

-- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

-- Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

-- Dogs are excited by rough play.

-- Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

-- Dogs understand that farts are funny.

-- Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.

-- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

-- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

-- Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

-- A dog's parents never come to visit.

-- Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you have ever had.

-- Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.

-- Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

-- Dogs never want a foot rub.

-- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.



Basic Rules For Dogs . . .

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.





WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.


Return soon...more jokes to come...newest jokes are always placed at the top of the list.



Accurately telling the weather is an ongoing challenge. Here is a sure-fire method guaranteed to produce consistent results if followed faithfully:

Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The Cat



TOP NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS MADE BY DOGS

--Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

--Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

--No longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

--Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

--Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

--Always scoot before licking.

--I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

--I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

--The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

--I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

--I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

--I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

--The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.



A blind man with his dog came to an intersection and waited for the light to change. As they were waiting, the dog lifted his leg and pissed all over the blind man's leg. The man reached into his pocket, took out a doggie treat, leaned over, and tried to give it to his dog.

A pedestrian behind them asked the blind man if he were rewarding the dog. The blind man told him he wasn't; he was trying to find the dog's ass so he could kick it.



Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer inthe road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.





One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in
single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."



A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and now he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."



A poor, hungry man wanders into a cafe, and sees another man sitting down with a full bowl of chili in front of him. The poor man walks over to the other man and says, "Excuse me. Are you finished with your chili? I haven't eaten for three days now, and I'm really starving."

“Go ahead,” said the man. "Help yourself.”

The poor man sat down and began eating the chili. He'd almost gotten to the bottom, when he saw a big dog poop sitting in the bottom of the bowl. The poor man was so repulsed that he threw up all of the chili back into the bowl. He looked at the other man in embarassment.

"Don't worry about it,” said the other man. "That's exactly what I did first time."



Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.





A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor
creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?”



Q. What has two legs and bleeds?
A. Half a dog.



A man who was noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said the irate caller.

The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.

The next morning at four o'clock, he called back his neighbor..."Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."



A truck driver came into a vet's surgery waiting room carrying his rottweiler dog. He approached the vet and said, "Doc, I think my dog's cross-eyed. Can you check him out?"

"Sure," replied the vet and the man dumped the rather large dog into the vet's arms.

The vet stared into the dog's eyes for a few seconds and said, "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to have to put him down."

"Put him down?" squawked the man. "Is it because he's cross-eyed that you have to put him down?"

"No," replied the vet, "he's too heavy to hold."





Puppy Dog Haiku

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.



Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.


CROSSBRED DOGS:

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.





An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"



Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."



Top Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats:

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

8. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.





Rules for Dogs...

- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
- I will not bark each time I hear a doorbell on TV.



If you are in the house and your dog is barking at the back door to get in, and your wife is barking at the front door to get in, which door should you open first?

The back door because you know that the dog will quit barking as soon as it gets in.


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because" the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."





Q. Know how to make a Cat sound like a Dog?

A. Pour Gas on a Cat, and throw a match at it........ WOOF.



DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.



Q: Do you know why a dog licks its butt?

A: Because he knows that in five minutes he'll be licking your face.





A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"





DOG HAIKUS:

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating





Pet Peeves of Pets

* Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

* Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

* Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!




Wrapping presents with dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy OFF box.

16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from its mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape and tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present and hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.

31. Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it and put it away.

34. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies and tell dogs what good helpers they are.





A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"



LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG . . .

-- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

-- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

-- Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

-- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

-- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.



A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and
forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem.

However, this action proved disastrous for the neighboring town of Lieden. Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said...."The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"



















Web Site Written and Maintained by
Gini Pedersen
Copyright © Gini Pedersen and Rosebud, 2000