Please give me a fat bank account and a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AN EVERYTHING-CORRECT GREETING
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and family, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, generic, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Best Regards (without prejudice) Name withheld (Privacy Act).
Christmas Shopping
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve, and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall, the surprised wife noticed her husband was nowhere around, and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband: " Pauly, where ARE you? You were supposed to stay right with me!"
In a calm voice, Pauly said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace?
The wife said, "Yes, Pauly, I remember that jewelry store. I love you!"
"Well," Pauly said, "I'm in the bar right next to it."
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN
If you see a fat man
Who's jolly and cute
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit
And if he is chuckling
And laughing away
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along
Then let's face it
Your eggnog's too strong!
Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy medicine, but not health.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me, immediately!!
I need it for Christmas bills!
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in
front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
A Cool Dude's Night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the pad
Not a hip cat was swinging, and that's nowhere Dad.
The stove was hung up on that stocking routine,
In hopes that the fat man would soon make the scene.
The kids had all had it so they hit their sacks,
And me and the bride had begun to relax,
When there started a rumble that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window to figure the panic.
I saw a square short that was making fat tracks,
Being pulled by eight dogs who were wearing hat racks.
And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid,
As he told 'em to make it and, man, like they did.
I couldn't help digging the scene on the roof
As I stood there just waiting for chubby to goof.
They stood by the chimney in bunches and clusters,
Til tubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters.
His threads were the squarest and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his ivy league buckle.
The mop on his chin hid his button down collar
And with that red nose, man, he looked like a baller.
Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But face it, who cares when he left all that loot.
He laid the jazz on me and fled from the gig.
Wailing, "Have a cool yule and man, later, like dig."
My wife got mad at me when I told her I was *NOT* going shopping
with her at midnight on Black Friday. She went by herself, and she
informed me this morning that she had purchased eight new dresses.
"Eight dresses!" I hollered, "what could any woman want with eight
new dresses??"
She calmly replied, "Eight new pairs of shoes."
SIGNS YOU ATE TOO MUCH AT THANKSGIVING DINNER
- Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
- Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
- You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
- You set off three earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
- You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
- Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
- You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
- The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
- Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.
It was the several days after Thanksgiving, the trip went reasonably well and
Joe was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red
and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished
Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being
slightly tired, Joe was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase
with entirely new clothes), Joe saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but
very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint
on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe
only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, Joe said
to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you
under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to
step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Pregnant Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Pauly and Mrs. Pauly were invited to have Christmas dinner with Mr. and
Mrs. Maury.
Pauly confided to Maury: "I'm allergic to cats."
"That's all right," replied Maury," I'll ask my wife to serve something
else."
Just as the priest began his Christmas Eve service, the electricity
in the church failed. The ushers found some candles and placed
them around the sanctuary.
Then the priest re-entered the pulpit, shuffled his notes, and
muttered, "Now, where was I?"
A tired voice called out from the back, "Right near the end!"
