Holiday Humor...continued

Carols for Dysfunctional People



PARANOID:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....

PARANOID 2:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
....(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.




Buying your Christmas gifts on credit is much like being drunk.

The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift...but the hang-over comes the day after...and lasts a while!









The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please," the young lady replied sweetly.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What would you like me to bring her?"

Without missing a beat, she answered quickly, "A son-in-law."







From today's sermon at church:

"Pipers and drummers are OK as far as they go, but our church has roof repair issues.... how many roofers roofing can we get?"

As the little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?!?"

It was the day after Christmas. The lawyer had gone out for the day, so the burglar, noticing this, broke into his house and stole all his Christmas gifts.

He was almost out of the house when a police officer pulled up to the house and promptly apprehended the man.

"You can't arrest me!" the man exclaimed.

"Buddy," the cop said, "I just caught you breaking and entering, red-handed!"

The man replied, "But the law says I have a right to the presents of an attorney!"

I have worked tirelessly in setting New Year's Resolutions every January 1st. While I'm not always the best at keeping them, I'm consistent, and I'm sure this year will be better than ever before. I don't like to brag, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy seeing the progress I've made. Here's to a Happy New Year!

RESOLUTION #1:
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The DiVinci Code.
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.

RESOLUTION #2:
2004: I will get my weight down below 180.
2005: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2006: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2007: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2008: I will work out 5 days a week.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:
2004: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2007: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008.
2008: I will be totally out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2010.
2010: I will try to be out of the country by 2010.

RESOLUTION #4:
2007: I will try to be a better lover to Bob.
2008: I will not leave Bob.
2009: I will try for a reconciliation with Bob.
2010: I will try to be a better lover to Sean.

RESOLUTION #5:
2007: I will stop looking at other men.
2008: I will not get involved with Sean.
2009: I will not let Sean pressure me into another live-in relationship.
2010: I will stop looking at other men.

RESOLUTION #6:
2007: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2008: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2009: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2010: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #7:
2007: I will see my dentist this year.
2008: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2009: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2010: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #8:
2007: I will go to church every Sunday.
2008: I will go to church as often as possible.
2009: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2010: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.













Best Xmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 3 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the wine again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something.
Check the wine.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!