'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
Christmas Carol For 2008
(Author Unknown)
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why,
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why,
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why,
Recession is coming to town.
No Gift This Year
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"
-- Steve Kilbride
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his
ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year...
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic.
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity!
