Christmas Wrapping
by Dave Barry

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.

"And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.

"And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'

"And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.

"And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.

"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having babies -- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.


A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas
by Elise Lewis, 1997

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights ...

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents ...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot all about the other eleven days.


The Price of Giving

The price of giving all the items in the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" went up less than 2 percent in 2001, under the current annual rate of inflation of 2.6 percent.

1 Partridge in a pear tree $35
2 Turtle doves $50
3 French hens $15
4 Calling birds $280
5 Gold rings $450
6 Geese-a-laying $150
7 Swans-a-swimming $7,000
8 Maids-a-milking $34
9 Pipers piping $2,607
10 Ladies dancing $3,013
11 Lords-a-leaping $1,109
12 Drummers drumming $1,201

Total to give gifts once: $15,944

Total to give as in song*: $73,345

* Singing the song in its entirety results in 364 presents: 12 partridges, 36 calling birds, 40 maids, etc.


Santa Claus is Wearing a Gown

You better come out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

He's making the switch,
He's leaving his wife,
He's gonna come out,
To start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

A secret he's been keeping,
It's made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
Once he comes down off that fence.

So you better come out,
You better not cry,
you better not pout,
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.





Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator
by Bob Rivers

Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?"
That's how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He's a drunken S.O.B.


A Dog's Christmas Promises

Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the surprises by opening all their presents.

I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights out into the backyard through the doggy door.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat -- paper and all).

I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of the stocking!

I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree and piddling on the dining room rug.

I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the tree down while trying to get at a cat through the conservatory window.

I will not pee on Grandma's Christmas presents that are under her tree as soon as we enter her house.

The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog dish. I will not drink from it. It will make me sick.


Wrapping Presents with Dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape and tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present and hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it and put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies and tell dogs what good helpers they are.


The Night Before Christmas, Dog Version
by Bill McClellan

It was about time for Christmas, and all through the house
A creature was stirring, but it wasn't a mouse
I knew right away it was my wife's little pup,
She thought we were sleeping, and so she was up

The dog was a gift it was coercion, really,
A woman can pout, 'til a man gets downright silly.
And now the wife was snoozing she was really sacked out
She wouldn't have awoke from less than a shout.

Yes, her in her nightgown, I in my BVDs,
We had finally settled down to catch some Zs
When off in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I rolled from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away down the hall, my head in a muddle,
I reached the kitchen...and stepped in a puddle.
The glow from a nightlight illuminated the room,
So how come I stumbled over the broom?

I fell in a sprawl, my legs were not stable.
On the way down, my nose hit the table.
My head was a spinnin' and when I came to rest
Four miniature dog feet stood on my chest.

With a lick and a bark, she bounded away,
Into the living room, she ran to play.
More rapid than mouses, that rat terrier ran,
Me on the follow, rolled newspaper in hand.

"Stop, Skeeter! Stop, Dog! Stop, Pup!
Halt, Pooch! Halt, Girl! Oh, come'ere, you mutt!
"Get off the new couch! Now let go of that curtain!
Ohhh...If I ever catch you, you're gonna' be hurtin'"

As winds of a Texas tornado do fly,
She spun round the room, down low and up high.
Then up on the countertop, that puppy went
She stopped for a second. I thought she was spent.

I make a quick lunge, she ducked me and then
Yawned when I dove through the flour bin.
As I drew out my head and was turning around,
She made for the presents, in a single bound.

I was covered with flour, from my head to my toes,
My robe in tatters, and blood on my nose.
A bag full of toys, she grabbed with glee
I nabbed her, I thought, but instead got the tree.

The ornaments, they broke, as they began to fall
The lights, how they fizzled, and that is not all.
When I reached for the plug, to turn the bulbs out,
What flowed through my body, but electricity, so stout!

As smoke encircled my head like a wreath,
That dog held my big toe, tight in her teeth.
"Skeeter," I moaned, "I give up. Oh, Skeet, I give in."
So she bit my swollen nose, and nipped at my chin.

She spoke not a word, but went back to work,
Down came the stockings it took just a jerk.
Then up from the hall, came the sound of feet,
Momma, it seemed was awake from her sleep.

"Now you'll get it pup," I announced with glee.
Then Skeeter walked over and put her little head on my knee.
She looked up at my wife - so innocent - and at me, so, so sad.
And it didn't take long, to know I'd been had.

Then came the wife's voice, so strong and so clear,
"Bill, you leave that puppy alone! You hear!"
And I exclaimed to myself, as they walked out with a strut,
"Don't leave any gifts, Santa just PICK UP THE MUTT!"





A Christmas Incident
by Dora Mills

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the charts
The lines that were empty would sure break your heart.
The pedigree chart was laid out with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas would know who or where.
As searcher I nestled all snug in my bed
While visions of ancestors danced through my head.

Others sound asleep both upstairs and down
All in a nightcap and ankle length gown.
when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I jumped from my bed to see what was the matter.
When much to my wonderment there did appear
Good old St Nicholas with a grin to each ear.

His bulk was tremendous, his eyes full of glee
He laughed as he picked up the sad pedigree.
He shouted and roared and ripped it to bits
While I swallowed my heart and went into fits.
"Dash it all, dash it all," I heard him then say,
"This clutter and mess is just in my way."

He said not a word as he started his job
He sat down at once and his pencil did jog.
A new pedigree he filled out in two winks
Giving names, dates, and places and all missing links.
Clear back to Adam, and down to the last...
For ageless was he, having served in the past.

I thought, "Oh, how wonderful it would all be
If he did for others what he did for me!!:
As he finished and blotted the ink not quite dry
A sadness came over me and then I did cry!
He gave me the details and seemed to have such fun
But now all my ancestor chasing was done!!!

He bounced out the window and I heard him say,
"For others I'll do the same any old day,
Just tell them my number and be good and kind,"
But then, a sure thought came into my mind...
Nobody wants ancestors that fast and so good
I'll let everyone else do the job just as they should.


Christmas ala Al Gore

It is rumored that Al Gore has subpoenaed Santa Claus over some "irregularities" that have been found on Christmas list handling procedures. After the recent Florida Supreme court ruling ordered a 3rd election recount, Gore has allegedly said that "checking a list, and checking it twice" cannot possibly discern the true wishes of the children. And the part about "who has been naughty, and who has been nice" is clearly a value judgment that does not take into account the circumstance surrounding said malfeasance.

Santa's list was obtained under the "Freedom of Information Act" and immediately a boiler room call center was formed to call all children to see if items listed on Santa's list were, in fact, the true desires of the kids.

Several indicated that they had intended to ask for Sony Playstations, and instead had checked off Nintendo 64. Many of the children were emotionally distraught, and felt that the entire Christmas letter writing experience was outdated and "hard to understand." In reviewing the post marks of the Christmas letters, it was found by democrat canvassing officials that certain letters, particularly those who requested "G.I. Joe" dolls were not properly postmarked. Those letters (obviously from Republican children) were thrown out.

Democrat officials have asked that Palm Beach, Broward and Dade County children each be contacted in person and have their requests reviewed for accuracy. Santa Claus indicated that possibly there was not enough time to get to each child by December 25.

The Florida Supreme Court is now considering postponement of Christmas until December 30th, to allow for a "full and accurate" list to be compiled.